Emoticon Selection Blues

"When You're Smiling" goes texting on too long.

When your smiley
When your smiley
Seems way, way too overused
When you’re scrolling
Oh, when you’re scrolling
Its sometimes so hard to choose

And when you're trying
Choosing is a pain
But keep on trying
Don't use something lame
     "Worried, mopey, dopey, corn?"
There's no denying
Its just that smiley
Is so way, way too overused

When emoji's
When emoji's are way, way too hard to choose
When your winkie
When your risky winkie
Seems a little too, "Did you just say what I think you said?"

I'm not lying, no, I'm not lying
Its the emoticon selection blues
So keep on trying
And find something new
     "Angry, crazy, lazy, corn?"
Keep on trying
'Cause it's that yellow smiley
That's so way, way too overused

There's no denying
Choosing is a pain
But keep on trying
Don't use something lame
     "Robot, barfy, monkey, corn?"
Keep on trying
And ditch that smiley
And choose that old brown pile of pooh

Its a smiley pile

Undertaker for the Vampire

This takes the Fratellis "Whistle for the Choir" coffin shopping.

Well it’s a mortuary, for a casket you came
I got your boxes to bury, hey Barry's my name
If you have the time
I'd like to show you one here, it is so divine
This beauty's no thin veneer, pure mahogany framed
Inside is scented with fine cedar, and it's ivory inlaid
Though a faux of course
I won’t support the poachers in the pachyderm trade

Something here throws me
Why are your teeth so all pointy
Oh you're a vampire, I know I heard of those
It's just like you, I mean your clothes
And don't speak, I think your dread fashion's so chic
This casket tweeds so fine, oh my, you've got to try
A casket this good is just irresistible

Though it's a mortuary, now I've figured it out
It's that comfort touch the feature what it's really about
And I must confess
This one's a TempurPedic and the rest's the best
When its four in the morning and the sun won't be long
It's time to catch a forty winker here, you'll never go wrong
Then you'll rest in peace
And wake up in the evening like the newly deceased

So if you're scary, I don't care, oh contrary
So you're a vampire, oh me, oh my, I jest
Why lips like yours could drink me dry
If only, it weren't for my garlic calzone
And it’s a crying shame if you would drain my veins
A guy like me is just irresistible

So if you're hungry, perhaps you might have a mint with me
So you're a vampire, I know blood-breath is gross
A tic-tac's a quick fix for those
And don't speak, I dig your vampire mystique
If you're free tonight we might go get a bite
A ghoul like you is just irresistible

Bigfoot Towel

Well I was doing my pilates when some others came around
Brought some cattle, built some buildings, built some bridges, built a town

It was a town town t-t-t town town
Town t-town t-t-t town town
It was a brand new town

And they said, "See that person's really hairy, kind of scary, be aware
He's got big feet, eating berries, say that's bigfoot over there"
And they'd chase me through the forest with their torches and I'd scream
Saying, "Hey, chill out guys, your'e being kind of mean"

What's with this town town t-t-t town town
Ooh town, ooh town, t-t-t town town
T-t-t town town town

And then they made a lot of money selling bigfoot souveniers
Bigfoot magnets, bigfoot coasters, bigfoot glasses with big ears
And I riffled through the trinkets and I grunted with dismay
When I chanced upon a treasure there put upon display

It was a towel t-towel t-t-t towel towel
Towel towel, towel towel, t-t-t towel towel
It was a bigfoot towel

And they looked there at the towel
Then they looked right back at me
And they smirked a bit and giggled and they had a laugh at me
And I could have gotten angry or I could have got annoyed
But it was better than the torches so this made me overjoyed

It was my towel t-towel t-t-t towel towel
Ooh towel, ooh towel, t-t-t towel towel
It was my bigfoot towel

And now I'm living on the beach
And I'm hanging with my friends
We got our music by the fire
And the party never ends

I've got my bigfoot towel t-towel t-t-t towel towel
Ooh towel, ooh towel, t-t-t towel towel
I've got my bigfoot towel

They say they saw a leprechaun, I'll have to go and see
He needs a towel towel t-t-t towel towel
Ooh towel, ooh towel, t-t-t towel towel
Green and gold and little torn, come and meet the unicorn
He has a towel towel t-t-t towel towel
Ooh towel, ooh towel, t-t-t towel towel
You should meet our other friends, Kraken, Kong, and alien
They've got a towel towel t-t-t towel towel
Ooh towel, ooh towel, t-t-t towel towel
They've got a towel towel

So if you're feeling hungry now and ready for a snack
Let's get another round of smoothies from the local yogurt shack
Head into the beach town
Come on now, I'll show you how
But townfolk can be scary now, so don't forget to bring your towel

You need a towel t-towel t-t-t towel towel
Towel towel, towel towel, t-t-t towel towel
You need your towel towel
Don't forget your towel t-towel t-t-t towel towel
Towel towel, towel towel, t-t-t towel towel
You need your towel towel

I got my bigfoot towel
Ooh towel, ooh towel, t-t-t towel towel
Its hairy, its foul, but also kind of snuggy now
Yeah, it is my favorite
Towel t-towel t-t-t towel towel
Ooh towel, ooh towel, t-t-t towel towel
I love my bigfoot towel

Plecostomus

This takes "The Fallen" by Franz Ferdinand, plops it in an aquarium, and peers down its throat.

Some say you're a sucker boy
Just because like a rubbery toy
You stick to glass with a kissy face noise
Well, what's wrong with a little lip suction

Stick to glass, that's what you do
Because you lick the algae off too
Because the gravel's got a lot of fish poo
Well, who wants a mouthful of awful fish messed on

Did I see you on the submarine
Clinging like the fish with an admiral dream
Bet you're licking it fine
Keeping it clean
They may call you, this, the suckiest of suckers
Plecostomus
And fish uvulas
Yeah, the're all…

Suck now, that kissy noise
Suck now, that kissy noise
Sink to the gravel and yech to the awful

Did I see you on the submarine
Clinging like a fish with the wrangler dream
Oh, have you seen fish food flakes today
Once you see us
Won't you feed us
Feed your fish

So we swam that tank again
Round the seventh lap you said you never find flakes
"I never find flakes, won't you feed me again?"
I need a bit of bladder gas to free the floatation

It was done, I felt my bubbles burst
It was the splashy fish, found fish food first
You're a greedy loach, and you're at your worst
I swam to the sub praying for a bite of the crumbs

Did I see you on the submarine
Clinging like a fish with the Dyson dream
But you're licking to shine
What do you mean?
See the algae scum you're seeking is already clean
You've already been and it's already clean
They may call you, yes, the suckiest of suckers
Plecostomus
Fish uvulas look like this

Ahh lala ahh, la lala ahh, la la lala, aah lala la, the uvula

So Cossy, if you ever meet mystics
They're never all about the tartar on fish sticks
Why pick a pickle sauce when your mystic robe itches
Weigh in your waist, be grateful I ate all the flakes

Some say you're a sucker boy
Just because of your kissy face noise
You are the fish, the fish with the poise
I make this bubble and think of you fondly
Did I see you on the submarine
Clinging like a fish with the krakken dream
To the core of the vessel
Like the owl in a tree
Counting licks to the fine
Center chewy
But its a toy in the tank
It's not a sub in the sea
And face to the glass
You suck the algae
See me flipping out the smartphone
And making it big, yeah I'm making it big

Zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom

Yeah, I'm making it big
That dangly thing
They may call you, yes, the suckiest of suckers
Plecostomus
Fish uvulas
Look like this

The Great Spoonbender

"The Great Pretender" by the Platters refocused upon a minor superpower.

Oh yes, I'm the great spoonbender
I'm bending utensils for fun
They twist and they twine
Its with only my mind
You know I'm the talented one

Oh yes, I'm the great spoonbender
Turned down by the super heroes
I've a claim for the fame
But to my real shame
The X-Men still haven't phoned

Revealed is a feeling to shake the grief
You'll hear metal squeal
Oh, this tormented steel

Yes, I'm the great spoonbender
Just flattening things that were round
Your spoon's drooping
Take that Wolverine
Your soup is untouchable now
I'm bending the spoons all around

Revealed is a feeling to shake the grief
You'll hear metal squeal
Oh, this tormented steel

Yes, I'm the great spoonbender
Just flattening things that were round
Utensils need much more droopening
You supers are so soupless now
I'm bending the spoons of this town

The Han Soliloquy

This takes "Seven Nation Army" by the White Stripes to a galaxy far, far away, with a quick toastable breakfast snack.

I'm not a fighter pilot
Some death star station target's not a bold attack
Its more like idiotic
Falcon to fly, why be tied in that
And a faster laser blaster gets by
More times than jedi tricks
Picking thick trash mash grime
Inside my stinking my vest

And the wookie standing by my side says,
A worra roroar

Don't wanna speak about it
When you can not breathe you don't speak all that well
Its not that gross vest odor
Its Darth Vader and his forceful strangle spell
He wanna put me in a pop tart
Hey, that gonna make me annoyed
Sorry, Luke about your dad
A screw short of a droid

And that gooey going in my nose feels
Really gross

I can not move at all
Star war space opera is such a bore
I got an itchy aah
Feel the snot drip, I can't take any more
And when you're frozen in midsneeze
Inside a pastry shell that really blows
And the whines from my sinus scream
Solo, scratch your nose

And this hard frozen hand of Han
Can not scratch my nose

Yucky

This is how Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" would go if they had really slobby stagehands.

At the getting of the stage sets
The set the roadies' staging
I smell basalmic dressing, uh huh
This show is just beginning, but

Steve brought the jar
Pickled artichoke hearts
So let's dip those hearts
In this mustard and sauce

You like your artichoke hearts, you like your hollendaise sauce
You turned my microphone on, you got my microphone yucky
You like your artichoke hearts, you like your hollendaise sauce
You like a dash of dijon, you got my microphone yucky
You got my microphone yucky, you got my microphone yucky
You got my microphone yucky, you got my microphone yucky

This show is just beginning
This mic is wet and sticky
What is this I'm feeling?
And this smells a little fishy, unh

Steve brought the carton of anchovy parts
So let's dip those parts in this mustard and sauce

You like your anchovy parts, you like your worcestershire sauce
You turned my microphone on, you got my microphone yucky
You like your anchovy parts, you like your worcestershire sauce
You like a spicy dijon, you got my microphone yucky
You got my microphone yucky, you got my microphone yucky
You got my microphone yucky, you got my microphone yucky

You got my microphone
You got my microphone
You got my microphone
You got my microphone
You got my microphone
You got my microphone
You got my microphone yucky
You got my microphone
You got my microphone yucky
You got my microphone yucky
You got my microphone yucky
You got my microphone yucky
You got my microphone yucky
You got my microphone yucky
You got my microphone yucky
You got my microphone yucky

Steve brought the jar
Pickled artichoke hearts
The mustard and sauce
And those anchovy parts

You like your artichoke hearts, you like your hollendaise sauce
You turned my microphone on, you got my microphone yucky
You like your anchovy parts, you like your worcestershire sauce
You like a spicy dijon, you got my microphone yucky
You got my microphone yucky, you got my microphone yucky
You got my microphone yucky, you got my microphone yucky
You got my microphone yucky, you got my microphone yucky
You got my microphone yucky, you got my microphone yucky

+2 Loaded Dungeon Dice of the Pirate Ninja Garden Gnome

This takes Kim Carnes "Bette Davis Eyes" to the dark fringes of Gary Gygax's universe.

He plays a pirate gnome
With ninja skills on the side
He guards his garden home
He's got loaded dungeon dice
He leads a ninja gnome crew
His stats are higher than high
He sure hits those good rolls
He got loaded dungeon dice

And he speeds through
With his wee crew
Gets the treasure but its wee too
And he throws his dicey rolls
Just like a snake who takes the gold dust
He poked the cyclops goddess in the saucer eye
He's got loaded dungeon dice

He gets to take the gold
He's got a moat to buy
He makes you give him more
He's got loaded dungeon dice
He'll make his die roll +2
Buddy, take my advice
And have him roll for you too
He's got loaded dungeon dice

And he goes through dungeon pros too
Hard to beat with his saving throw skew
And he throws his dicey rolls
Just out to make a dragon's nose gush
All the dwarves think he's a spy
He's got loaded dungeon dice

And he'll beat you
With his wee crew
All the better just to cheat you
And he throws his dicey rolls
Just nuff to make the tables go bust
He makes the dungeon master cry
He's got loaded dungeon dice

He'll beat you
With his wee crew
Just to cheat you
He's got loaded dungeon dice
He'll bulldoze you, when he throws two
And he goes through
He's got loaded dungeon dice

Undead Copurnicus (1545)

This spins Bowling for Soup's 1985 back a few centuries and makes it quite a bit more yummy-brainy-brain centric.

Ghoul, ghoul

Copurnicus had it all
He aced that astral call
Sun is up in space
And Earth revolves this way
He seemed to hit the score
Then he said something more
That Polo had a plan
Flat Earth a trading scam

He was gonna be a math wiz
He was gonna be a star
He was gonna shake his ass
Out of tune with Pope Paul's choir
But Polo was trainee in foul necromancy
He took to afterlife
And nothing has been alright

Albert Einstein, Bernoulli
Big brainy men those truly
There was Kepler, Galilei
Copurnicus's progeny
Now he is a night ghoul
And big brains make him fight drool
Since he was revivified
In fifteen, fifteen, fifteen forty five

Ghoul, fifteen forty five, ghoul

He eats astro-physics
He eats 'em every time
Bessel, Bode, Steven Hawking
Even that Sagan guy
He snacked out on LaGrange
And Anne Jump Cannon
Thought he'd get a hand
On Neil deGrasse Tyson

When Copurnicus ate Carl Sagen
Those yummy neurons numbered billion billion
When did astronomy become T.V.
What ever happened to sextants, nocturnals
In the grave you know were

Einstein, Bernoulli
Those brains were ghouly drool meat
There was Newton and Brahe
Copurnicus's progeny
Now he is a night ghoul
And big brains make him fight drool
Since he was revivified
In fifteen, fifteen, fifteen forty five

Ghoul
He hates time, make it stop
What did Apple do to make Siri talk?
And when did NASA get A.I. factor
Please make this
Stop! Stop! Stop!
And bring back

Einstein, Bernoulli
Those brains were kinda chewy
There was Herschel and Haley
Copurnicus's progeny
Now he is a night ghoul
And big brains make him fight drool
Since he was revivified
Fifteen forty five

That Einstein, Bernoulli
Those brains were ghouly drool meat
There was Hubble and Zwicky
Copurnicus's progeny
Now he is a night ghoul
And big brains make him fight drool
Since he was revivified
In fifteen, fifteen, fifteen forty five

The Curse of the Werechihuahua

Regina Spektor's "Fidelity" bitten by the werechihuahua.

I fight the urge to find a chewie
Oh, this strange time of the moon
Ever since chihuahua drooly
Bit my ankle in the gloom
My hairy wee time
Oh these forces
My hairy behind
Oh this curse
My hairy feet climb
Oh these nails click
And it makes me arf
And it makes me arf
And it makes me arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf arf arf arf
And it makes me arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf arf arf arf
Suppose I chewed a hole through my shoe
Suppose this paw won't fit a glove
Suppose you knew I'm way too small to
Jump up to reach that door knob
Suppose I chewed the telephone too
Suppose I couldn't even talk
Suppose I kept on waiting too long
Just to take a dog walk
Just to take a walk, arf arf arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf arf arf arf
Just to take a walk, arf arf arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf arf arf arf
Just to take a walk, arf arf arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf arf arf arf
Take a walk
Take a walk
All my friends say
That the carpets
Gonna get wetter
Gonna get wetter
Wetter
Wetter
Wetter
Wetter
Wetter
Wetter
Wetter
I fight the urge to bite a chewie
Oh, this strange time of the moon
Ever since chihuahua drooly
Bit my ankle, sealed my doom
My hairy wee time
Oh this curse is
My hairy behind
And fleas hurt
My hairy feet climb
Oh these nails click
And it makes me arf
And it makes me arf
My hairy wee time
All of these curses
My hairy behind
All these fleas hurt
My hairy feet climb
All of these nails click
And it makes me arf
And it makes me arf
And it makes me arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf arf arf arf
And it makes me arf, arf, arf, arf, arf
And it makes me arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf arf arf arf
And it makes me arf
Makes me arf
And it makes me arf
And it makes me arf
And it makes me arf
And it makes me arf

Some Head Lice

This crosses "One Headlight" by the Wallflowers with a lice ridden Donald Trump wig.

So long ago, I don't remember when
Went thrift store shopping with my only friend
Well she said they stocked cheap things for the coming Halloween
And we riffled through the shelf of hats and wigs

I saw the straw hat of Scarecrow from the golden road to Oz
That straw would make my allergies go off
Now it always seemed such a waste
I'd never wear a wookie face
Not where someone left their gum, what a disgrace

Hey, come on, try a wig on, what a big selection
There's got to be something better than a spiky punker
But me and Cinderella
We found this Trump wig treasure
We can try it on
With some head lice

She said it's cold
It smells like gypsy incence spray
And I can't take the scent of gypsy spray
But there's got to be sorcery
Something here enticing me
This wispy mess of ugliness and greed
Well we went all to the end
Through the costume aisle bins
Sayin' all that's good; this presidential wig
Well she pulled the wig onto her head
She combed it over from the left
She scratched it then, it's just an itchy edge

Hey, come on, try a wig on, what a big selection
There's got to be something better than a rainbow afro
But me and Cinderella
We found this Trump wig treasure
We can drag a comb
Through some head lice

Your face is odd
It looks like you have dandruff
I try to pinch it but the pinching is returned
I tell you, keep your hands off of my face
These dandruff flakes have little legs
She said I've got some questions of concern
Said I don't know, I don't know much about many bugs
And I can't say, but I know they all lay eggs
But some thoughts here are creeping me, of ticks and mites and lice and fleas
I feel the scratchy claws of crawly things

Hey, come on, try a wig on, what a big selection
There's got to be something better than a Captain Sparrow
But me and Cinderella
We found this Trump wig treasure
We can be the home
For some head lice

You've Got a Muttering Dummy

This spins "You've Got Another Thing Comin'" by Judas Priest into some questionable constructive criticism for a ventriloquist.

When time is right, you gotta pick it up
Wide painted eyes, I said eyes of a fine puppet
Stand out, polish up the monocle
Time for puppet talk is on as the curtains call

You know you play the part well and you surely have the charm
When you move it's mouth, I don't even wonder where's your arm
But I've hard truth for you, don't let it make you sad
When you speak without your mouth you're bad
You've got a muttering dummy, you've got a muttering dummy

That's right, here's how your talking is
This isn't an act, your puppet accent's limp
Try hard, I'll tell you where it's not
Your enunciation stumbles on that puppet talk

You know you flaunt the fashion of the puppeteer supreme
If you think this gig is easy then you're living in a dream
I've hard truth for you, don't let it make you sad
When you speak without your mouth you're bad
You've got a muttering dummy, muh-muh-muh muttering dummy
You've got a muttering dummy

Persevere, oh puppeteer, you have no cause for sorrow
Shut your mouth and practice hard, you'll speak more clear tomorrow

Work it out, no time to take a rest, yeah
Act up, arise ventriloquist
Puppet talk, gotta have coherency
Then you're a big smash, hit 'em with that puppet speak, yeah

When your puppet's crying out and critics make you sigh
Take down the doubting fools, break out a case of little guy
Til that day arrives, don't let it make you sad
When you speak without your mouth you're bad
You've got a muttering dummy, muh-muh-muh muttering dummy

You've got a muttering dummy, you've got a muttering, uh
Dummy mumble!
You've got a muttering dummy, hey you, you mumble out
(Muh, tur, ring) You've got a muttering dummy
Ooh, ooh, you mumble out
(Muh, tur, ring) Muh-muh-muh muttering dummy
You've got a muttering dummy, muh-muh-muh mumble out
(Muh, tur, ring) You've got a muttering dummy

Glub, Glub

Cats are great and dogs are fun
But when you hug a squid, you know it's the one
The one, the one, the one
Glub glub glub
You know a squid, the squid's
The one, glub glub

To pet a goat or ride a horse you need a farm
But when you hug a squid it's got eight arms
The one, the one, the one
Glub glub glub
You know a squid, the squid's
The one, glub glub

You can pick a turtle, hey that's swell
But nothing hugs you harder than a turtle's shell
The one, the one, the one
Glub glub glub
You know a squid, the squid's
The one, glub glub

You can't hug a hamster in a hamster wheel
But nothing says I love you like the suckery feel
The one, the one, the one
Glub glub glub
You know a squid, the squid's
Hey, where's everyone
Glub glub

Where the Heck Are My Keys?

This takes "Always Where I Need To Be" by the Kooks, and spins it into a song about lost keys.

Keys are always like this
Oh, I can leave them anywhere
Lose them ever so absently obtuse
You know they're just not there
You know they're just nowhere

Because I've all these spots where I leave my keys
And to all these spots, I have been through and through
Where then can they be

Dude, do-do-do, do-do
Dude, dude, do-do-do, do-do
Dude, dude, do-do-do, do-do, dude

And when I sit on the couch
I have to be reclining there
Reach through cushions in where
Oh, now you know they're just not there
You know they're just nowhere

Because I've all these spots where I leave my keys
And to all these spots, I have been through and through
Where then can they be

Dude, do-do-do, do-do
Dude, dude, do-do-do, do-do
Dude, dude, do-do-do, do-do

Oh, they're not on the counter
And they're not in the sink
In the garbage can only these garbage things

Because I've all these spots
That I could leave these keys
And to all these spots
I have been through and through
Where then can they be

Dude, do-do-do, do-do
Dude, dude, do-do-do, do-do
Dude, dude, do-do-do, do-do
DUDE

Oh they're not on the counter
Where the heck are my keys
Oh they're not in my trousers
Nevermind, I found the keys