+2 Loaded Dungeon Dice of the Pirate Ninja Garden Gnome

He plays a pirate gnome
With ninja skills on the side
He guards his garden home
He's got loaded dungeon dice
He leads a ninja gnome crew
His stats are higher than high
He sure hits those good rolls
He got loaded dungeon dice

And he speeds through
With his wee crew
Gets the treasure but its wee too
And he throws his dicey rolls
Just like a snake who takes the gold dust
He poked the cyclops goddess in the saucer eye
He's got loaded dungeon dice

He gets to take the gold
He's got a moat to buy
He makes you give him more
He's got loaded dungeon dice
He'll make his die roll +2
Buddy, take my advice
And have him roll for you too
He's got loaded dungeon dice

And he goes through dungeon pros too
Hard to beat with his saving throw skew
And he throws his dicey rolls
Just out to make a dragon's nose gush
All the dwarves think he's a spy
He's got loaded dungeon dice

And he'll beat you
With his wee crew
All the better just to cheat you
And he throws his dicey rolls
Just nuff to make the tables go bust
He makes the dungeon master cry
He's got loaded dungeon dice

He'll beat you
With his wee crew
Just to cheat you
He's got loaded dungeon dice
He'll bulldoze you, when he throws two
And he goes through
He's got loaded dungeon dice

Undead Copurnicus (1545)

Ghoul, ghoul

Copurnicus had it all
He aced that astral call
Sun is up in space
And Earth revolves this way
He seemed to hit the score
Then he said something more
That Polo had a plan
Flat Earth a trading scam

He was gonna be a math wiz
He was gonna be a star
He was gonna shake his ass
Out of tune with Pope Paul's choir
But Polo was trainee in foul necromancy
He took to afterlife
And nothing has been alright

Albert Einstein, Bernoulli
Big brainy men those truly
There was Kepler, Galilei
Copurnicus's progeny
Now he is a night ghoul
And big brains make him fight drool
Since he was revivified
In fifteen, fifteen, fifteen forty five

Ghoul, fifteen forty five, ghoul

He eats astro-physics
He eats 'em every time
Bessel, Bode, Steven Hawking
Even that Sagan guy
He snacked out on LaGrange
And Anne Jump Cannon
Thought he'd get a hand
On Neil deGrasse Tyson

When Copurnicus ate Carl Sagen
Those yummy neurons numbered billion billion
When did astronomy become T.V.
What ever happened to sextants, nocturnals
In the grave you know were

Einstein, Bernoulli
Those brains were ghouly drool meat
There was Newton and Brahe
Copurnicus's progeny
Now he is a night ghoul
And big brains make him fight drool
Since he was revivified
In fifteen, fifteen, fifteen forty five

Ghoul
He hates time, make it stop
What did Apple do to make Siri talk?
And when did NASA get A.I. factor
Please make this
Stop! Stop! Stop!
And bring back

Einstein, Bernoulli
Those brains were kinda chewy
There was Herschel and Haley
Copurnicus's progeny
Now he is a night ghoul
And big brains make him fight drool
Since he was revivified
Fifteen forty five

That Einstein, Bernoulli
Those brains were ghouly drool meat
There was Hubble and Zwicky
Copurnicus's progeny
Now he is a night ghoul
And big brains make him fight drool
Since he was revivified
In fifteen, fifteen, fifteen forty five

The Curse of the Werechihuahua

I fight the urge to find a chewie
Oh, this strange time of the moon
Ever since chihuahua drooly
Bit my ankle in the gloom
My hairy wee time
Oh these forces
My hairy behind
Oh this curse
My hairy feet climb
Oh these nails click
And it makes me arf
And it makes me arf
And it makes me arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf arf arf arf
And it makes me arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf arf arf arf
Suppose I chewed a hole through my shoe
Suppose this paw won't fit a glove
Suppose you knew I'm way too small to
Jump up to reach that door knob
Suppose I chewed the telephone too
Suppose I couldn't even talk
Suppose I kept on waiting too long
Just to take a dog walk
Just to take a walk, arf arf arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf arf arf arf
Just to take a walk, arf arf arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf arf arf arf
Just to take a walk, arf arf arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf arf arf arf
Take a walk
Take a walk
All my friends say
That the carpets
Gonna get wetter
Gonna get wetter
Wetter
Wetter
Wetter
Wetter
Wetter
Wetter
Wetter
I fight the urge to bite a chewie
Oh, this strange time of the moon
Ever since chihuahua drooly
Bit my ankle, sealed my doom
My hairy wee time
Oh this curse is
My hairy behind
And fleas hurt
My hairy feet climb
Oh these nails click
And it makes me arf
And it makes me arf
My hairy wee time
All of these curses
My hairy behind
All these fleas hurt
My hairy feet climb
All of these nails click
And it makes me arf
And it makes me arf
And it makes me arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf arf arf arf
And it makes me arf, arf, arf, arf, arf
And it makes me arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf arf arf arf
And it makes me arf
Makes me arf
And it makes me arf
And it makes me arf
And it makes me arf
And it makes me arf

Some Head Lice

So long ago, I don't remember when
Went thrift store shopping with my only friend
Well she said they stocked cheap things for the coming Halloween
And we riffled through the shelf of hats and wigs

I saw the straw hat of Scarecrow from the golden road to Oz
That straw would make my allergies go off
Now it always seemed such a waste
I'd never wear a wookie face
Not where someone left their gum, what a disgrace

Hey, come on, try a wig on, what a big selection
There's got to be something better than a spiky punker
But me and Cinderella
We found this Trump wig treasure
We can try it on
With some head lice

She said it's cold
It smells like gypsy incence spray
And I can't take the scent of gypsy spray
But there's got to be sorcery
Something here enticing me
This wispy mess of ugliness and greed
Well we went all to the end
Through the costume aisle bins
Sayin' all that's good; this presidential wig
Well she pulled the wig onto her head
She combed it over from the left
She scratched it then, it's just an itchy edge

Hey, come on, try a wig on, what a big selection
There's got to be something better than a rainbow afro
But me and Cinderella
We found this Trump wig treasure
We can drag a comb
Through some head lice

Your face is odd
It looks like you have dandruff
I try to pinch it but the pinching is returned
I tell you, keep your hands off of my face
These dandruff flakes have little legs
She said I've got some questions of concern
Said I don't know, I don't know much about many bugs
And I can't say, but I know they all lay eggs
But some thoughts here are creeping me, of ticks and mites and lice and fleas
I feel the scratchy claws of crawly things

Hey, come on, try a wig on, what a big selection
There's got to be something better than a Captain Sparrow
But me and Cinderella
We found this Trump wig treasure
We can be the home
For some head lice

You've Got a Muttering Dummy

When time is right, you gotta pick it up
Wide painted eyes, I said eyes of a fine puppet
Stand out, polish up the monocle
Time for puppet talk is on as the curtains call

You know you play the part well and you surely have the charm
When you move it's mouth, I don't even wonder where's your arm
But I've hard truth for you, don't let it make you sad
When you speak without your mouth you're bad
You've got a muttering dummy, you've got a muttering dummy

That's right, here's how your talking is
This isn't an act, your puppet accent's limp
Try hard, I'll tell you where it's not
Your enunciation stumbles on that puppet talk

You know you flaunt the fashion of the puppeteer supreme
If you think this gig is easy then you're living in a dream
I've hard truth for you, don't let it make you sad
When you speak without your mouth you're bad
You've got a muttering dummy, muh-muh-muh muttering dummy
You've got a muttering dummy

Persevere, oh puppeteer, you have no cause for sorrow
Shut your mouth and practice hard, you'll speak more clear tomorrow

Work it out, no time to take a rest, yeah
Act up, arise ventriloquist
Puppet talk, gotta have coherency
Then you're a big smash, hit 'em with that puppet speak, yeah

When your puppet's crying out and critics make you sigh
Take down the doubting fools, break out a case of little guy
Til that day arrives, don't let it make you sad
When you speak without your mouth you're bad
You've got a muttering dummy, muh-muh-muh muttering dummy

You've got a muttering dummy, you've got a muttering, uh
Dummy mumble!
You've got a muttering dummy, hey you, you mumble out
(Muh, tur, ring) You've got a muttering dummy
Ooh, ooh, you mumble out
(Muh, tur, ring) Muh-muh-muh muttering dummy
You've got a muttering dummy, muh-muh-muh mumble out
(Muh, tur, ring) You've got a muttering dummy

Glub, Glub

Cats are great and dogs are fun
But when you hug a squid, you know it's the one
The one, the one, the one
Glub glub glub
You know a squid, the squid's
The one, glub glub

To pet a goat or ride a horse you need a farm
But when you hug a squid it's got eight arms
The one, the one, the one
Glub glub glub
You know a squid, the squid's
The one, glub glub

You can pick a turtle, hey that's swell
But nothing hugs you harder than a turtle's shell
The one, the one, the one
Glub glub glub
You know a squid, the squid's
The one, glub glub

You can't hug a hamster in a hamster wheel
But nothing says I love you like the suckery feel
The one, the one, the one
Glub glub glub
You know a squid, the squid's
Hey, where's everyone
Glub glub

Where the Heck Are My Keys?

Keys are always like this
Oh, I can leave them anywhere
Lose them ever so absently obtuse
You know they're just not there
You know they're just nowhere

Because I've all these spots where I leave my keys
And to all these spots, I have been through and through
Where then can they be

Dude, do-do-do, do-do
Dude, dude, do-do-do, do-do
Dude, dude, do-do-do, do-do, dude

And when I sit on the couch
I have to be reclining there
Reach through cushions in where
Oh, now you know they're just not there
You know they're just nowhere

Because I've all these spots where I leave my keys
And to all these spots, I have been through and through
Where then can they be

Dude, do-do-do, do-do
Dude, dude, do-do-do, do-do
Dude, dude, do-do-do, do-do

Oh, they're not on the counter
And they're not in the sink
In the garbage can only these garbage things

Because I've all these spots
That I could leave these keys
And to all these spots
I have been through and through
Where then can they be

Dude, do-do-do, do-do
Dude, dude, do-do-do, do-do
Dude, dude, do-do-do, do-do
DUDE

Oh they're not on the counter
Where the heck are my keys
Oh they're not in my trousers
Nevermind, I found the keys