Some Head Lice

This crosses "One Headlight" by the Wallflowers with a lice ridden Donald Trump wig.

So long ago, I don't remember when
Went thrift store shopping with my only friend
Well she said they stocked cheap things for the coming Halloween
And we riffled through the shelf of hats and wigs

I saw the straw hat of Scarecrow from the golden road to Oz
That straw would make my allergies go off
Now it always seemed such a waste
I'd never wear a wookie face
Not where someone left their gum, what a disgrace

Hey, come on, try a wig on, what a big selection
There's got to be something better than a spiky punker
But me and Cinderella
We found this Trump wig treasure
We can try it on
With some head lice

She said it's cold
It smells like gypsy incence spray
And I can't take the scent of gypsy spray
But there's got to be sorcery
Something here enticing me
This wispy mess of ugliness and greed
Well we went all to the end
Through the costume aisle bins
Sayin' all that's good; this presidential wig
Well she pulled the wig onto her head
She combed it over from the left
She scratched it then, it's just an itchy edge

Hey, come on, try a wig on, what a big selection
There's got to be something better than a rainbow afro
But me and Cinderella
We found this Trump wig treasure
We can drag a comb
Through some head lice

Your face is odd
It looks like you have dandruff
I try to pinch it but the pinching is returned
I tell you, keep your hands off of my face
These dandruff flakes have little legs
She said I've got some questions of concern
Said I don't know, I don't know much about many bugs
And I can't say, but I know they all lay eggs
But some thoughts here are creeping me, of ticks and mites and lice and fleas
I feel the scratchy claws of crawly things

Hey, come on, try a wig on, what a big selection
There's got to be something better than a Captain Sparrow
But me and Cinderella
We found this Trump wig treasure
We can be the home
For some head lice

You've Got a Muttering Dummy

This spins "You've Got Another Thing Comin'" by Judas Priest into some questionable constructive criticism for a ventriloquist.

When time is right, you gotta pick it up
Wide painted eyes, I said eyes of a fine puppet
Stand out, polish up the monocle
Time for puppet talk is on as the curtains call

You know you play the part well and you surely have the charm
When you move it's mouth, I don't even wonder where's your arm
But I've hard truth for you, don't let it make you sad
When you speak without your mouth you're bad
You've got a muttering dummy, you've got a muttering dummy

That's right, here's how your talking is
This isn't an act, your puppet accent's limp
Try hard, I'll tell you where it's not
Your enunciation stumbles on that puppet talk

You know you flaunt the fashion of the puppeteer supreme
If you think this gig is easy then you're living in a dream
I've hard truth for you, don't let it make you sad
When you speak without your mouth you're bad
You've got a muttering dummy, muh-muh-muh muttering dummy
You've got a muttering dummy

Persevere, oh puppeteer, you have no cause for sorrow
Shut your mouth and practice hard, you'll speak more clear tomorrow

Work it out, no time to take a rest, yeah
Act up, arise ventriloquist
Puppet talk, gotta have coherency
Then you're a big smash, hit 'em with that puppet speak, yeah

When your puppet's crying out and critics make you sigh
Take down the doubting fools, break out a case of little guy
Til that day arrives, don't let it make you sad
When you speak without your mouth you're bad
You've got a muttering dummy, muh-muh-muh muttering dummy

You've got a muttering dummy, you've got a muttering, uh
Dummy mumble!
You've got a muttering dummy, hey you, you mumble out
(Muh, tur, ring) You've got a muttering dummy
Ooh, ooh, you mumble out
(Muh, tur, ring) Muh-muh-muh muttering dummy
You've got a muttering dummy, muh-muh-muh mumble out
(Muh, tur, ring) You've got a muttering dummy

Glub, Glub

Cats are great and dogs are fun
But when you hug a squid, you know it's the one
The one, the one, the one
Glub glub glub
You know a squid, the squid's
The one, glub glub

To pet a goat or ride a horse you need a farm
But when you hug a squid it's got eight arms
The one, the one, the one
Glub glub glub
You know a squid, the squid's
The one, glub glub

You can pick a turtle, hey that's swell
But nothing hugs you harder than a turtle's shell
The one, the one, the one
Glub glub glub
You know a squid, the squid's
The one, glub glub

You can't hug a hamster in a hamster wheel
But nothing says I love you like the suckery feel
The one, the one, the one
Glub glub glub
You know a squid, the squid's
Hey, where's everyone
Glub glub

Where the Heck Are My Keys?

This takes "Always Where I Need To Be" by the Kooks, and spins it into a song about lost keys.

Keys are always like this
Oh, I can leave them anywhere
Lose them ever so absently obtuse
You know they're just not there
You know they're just nowhere

Because I've all these spots where I leave my keys
And to all these spots, I have been through and through
Where then can they be

Dude, do-do-do, do-do
Dude, dude, do-do-do, do-do
Dude, dude, do-do-do, do-do, dude

And when I sit on the couch
I have to be reclining there
Reach through cushions in where
Oh, now you know they're just not there
You know they're just nowhere

Because I've all these spots where I leave my keys
And to all these spots, I have been through and through
Where then can they be

Dude, do-do-do, do-do
Dude, dude, do-do-do, do-do
Dude, dude, do-do-do, do-do

Oh, they're not on the counter
And they're not in the sink
In the garbage can only these garbage things

Because I've all these spots
That I could leave these keys
And to all these spots
I have been through and through
Where then can they be

Dude, do-do-do, do-do
Dude, dude, do-do-do, do-do
Dude, dude, do-do-do, do-do
DUDE

Oh they're not on the counter
Where the heck are my keys
Oh they're not in my trousers
Nevermind, I found the keys